Below is an email I received. I don't normally like getting forwards, but I could just see Alan doing this if he was a bit older.
The "Middle Wife" by an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher
I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have
two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my
own second-grade classroom a few years back.
When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always
have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and
usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model
airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never,
ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it
in to school and talk about it, they're welcome.
Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright,
very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the
class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.
She holds up a snapshot of an infant. "This is Luke, my
baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday."
"First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love,
and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He
ate for nine months through an umbrella cord."
She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and
I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids
are watching her in amazement.
"Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and
going, 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans.
"She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!' Now this
kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.
"My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but
she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my
Mom to lie down in bed like this." Then Erica lies down with her back
against the wall.
"And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in
there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over
the bed, like psshhheew!" This kid has her legs spread with her little
hands miming water flowing away. It was too much!
"Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and
'breathe, breathe. They started counting, but never even got past ten.
Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky
stuff that they all said it was from Mom's play-center, so there must be
a lot of toys inside there."
Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and
returned to her seat.
I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when
it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another
"Middle Wife" comes along.
The "Middle Wife" by an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher
I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have
two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my
own second-grade classroom a few years back.
When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always
have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and
usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model
airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never,
ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it
in to school and talk about it, they're welcome.
Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright,
very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the
class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.
She holds up a snapshot of an infant. "This is Luke, my
baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday."
"First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love,
and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He
ate for nine months through an umbrella cord."
She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and
I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids
are watching her in amazement.
"Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and
going, 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans.
"She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!' Now this
kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.
"My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but
she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my
Mom to lie down in bed like this." Then Erica lies down with her back
against the wall.
"And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in
there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over
the bed, like psshhheew!" This kid has her legs spread with her little
hands miming water flowing away. It was too much!
"Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and
'breathe, breathe. They started counting, but never even got past ten.
Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky
stuff that they all said it was from Mom's play-center, so there must be
a lot of toys inside there."
Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and
returned to her seat.
I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when
it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another
"Middle Wife" comes along.
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